Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Harden our hearts. To the innocents in the womb and we have hardened our hearts. To the need for compassion and mercy and. Fellow feeling. And charity. And decency in this world.

I'm a homebody. I don't really like the Hollywood parties, and go out just to be seen. That's not really me.

The gospel changes how we view and work with others in a way that both humanizes our interactions with them and empowers them to work well.

If they watch me play, people will say I'm not into it or whatever. That's okay. I kind of like it. People don't know how much work I'm putting into it. They don't need to know.

It's all about choices! You choose, you make the rules, not tobacco companies, not addiction

Human behavior is messy and unpredictable and unconcerned with convenient symmetries.

I wanna hear some Diana Ross, I wanna hear some Marvin Gaye. I wanna hear a song that reminds me of a better day.

They can get married. They can marry a man if they're a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they're a man.

I also think it's very important to consider how the food will feel to the person eating it.

When you travel with the team and you eat with the team - you eat what the team eats.