Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Tragedy cleans the windows of the soul by washing away the bias of our lives in the detergent of pain.

A rich person is just a poor person with a crown and elaborate clothing, and a poor person is just a rich person with a crownless head and ragged clothing.

Different people, in good faith, can look at the same fact and interpret it differently. But that's where an interesting conversation begins.

I have become rather like King Midas, except that everything turns not into gold but into a circus.

There are things that I am very proud of and there are things that you are not so proud of. But I think that applies to any musician.

Had we not faults of our own, we should take less pleasure in complaining of others.

When God talks to humans he doesn't want humans to hear his voice.

Whenever we meet anyone, our first, almost unconscious reaction may be to look for imperfections.

Leadership is different from management, but not for the reasons most people think.

There must be no coercion in matters of faith!