Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?

The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

You need to update your blog a couple of times a week. You need to post a Twitter here and there. It feels so dumb to say that stuff, but it's important for me to keep that presence going.

You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower.

There's a fear that I don't think people are interested in my actual opinion. I just think people are interested in me being funny.

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter.

A writer should be able to open a window or two and prompt others to see the world and themselves in a new light. Anything less is just self–indulgence and intellectual masturbation.

Friends end. But family will stay when your friendship ends

Fighters with 13 fights are winning world titles, and of course they don't know how to behave.

Men need some kind of external activity, because they are inactive within.

Forget trying to be sexy. That's just gruesome.

A thought for today: 'People change and forget to tell each other.'

The law doesn't create a right.

I have never known stage-fright at any time.

I have a horror of people who speak about the beautiful. What is the beautiful? One must speak of problems in painting!

Freedom is the recognition of contingency.