[Writing a joke] there is no team of writers. It's just you in an office, staring at yourself in the mirror.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

So many people want to be successful, but most of them are fearful or doubtful of the path that leads to it. This is way the land of success is far from being crowded.

Trust your own reason and your own logic, not your own media!

Fame - anyone who says he doesn't like it is crazy

Why won't you take me, Remington?" He groans and pulls me closer. "Because I want you too much".

Creativity is the answer. I always prefer the creative solution to an expensive solution.

If you're shy, get the hell over it: You're slamming the door in your own face.

To express your emotions, you have to be very loose and receptive. The unconscious will come to you if you have that gift that artists have. I only know if Im inspired by the results.

It was not Muslims that had made Islam great; it was Islam that had made the Muslims great.

I am passionate about women's empowerment and women's ways.