Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials.

Writing is 90% procrastination. It is a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the point where you have to write.

I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks.

There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy.

Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey.

I love [my parents], but what if I could really talk to them? I mean, what if they had some answers? Or would that just be too weird?

I never got that show - Les Miz. It's about the French guy, right, who steals a loaf of bread, and then he suffers for the rest of his life. For Toast. Get over it!

If God didn't want you to have it, He would never have let you see it.

My compulsive thoughts aren't even thoughts, they're absolute certainties and obeying them isn't a choice.

Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate's feet. "I love you..., " she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper. "I have to show you... my butt.

What is written beneath this heavy handsome book cover will count, so sayeth this cover…

Get out of this office! I'll have no feelings here.

I watched Nancy Pelosi and Tom Daschle. Good grief. What whining weenies.

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

No prince, no king, no president has ever lived a better life than I have!

You can show your love to others by not wishing that they should be better Christians.

Now begin in the middle, and later learn the beginning; the end will take care of itself.

The transition was difficult. It's hard to stop something that you've enjoyed and that has been very rewarding.

Payments to the disabled are getting slashed and people like me are getting a tax cut. Who could possibly think that is a good thing?

Don't just parent your kids, develop them.