Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

The measure of a man lies not in his lengthy accomplishments, but in his decisions when he is faced with the certain, indisputable knowledge that he is going to die.

A man of gladness seldom falls into madness.

The yoga of love is the yoga of acceptance. Love teaches us that which is most important is self-acceptance.

Nature's instructions are always slow; those of men are generally premature.

Among all nations there should be vast temples raised where people might worship in silence and listen to it, for it is the voice of God

And this is the simple truth - that to live is to feel oneself lost. He who accepts it has already begun to find himself to be on firm ground.

The biggest mistakes I've ever made are when I've been rushed. If I'm overwhelmed, I slow down. It's more effective.

I take a lot of pride in the work I do, because people pay to see me. They've go to get babysitters, park their car, get popcorn and candy. I've got to be conscious of that.

Meat!" he said scornfully. "I'm a vegetarian." You eat cheese enchiladas and aluminum cans," I reminded him. Those are vegetables.

Keep your mind too open, and you never know what might walk in.