Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Now you're an adult, Katya!" he'd said, picking her up under the armpits like he'd been doing since she'd been born.

...love is never stationary.

You could call me antisocial, I've called myself that sometimes too, but I just prefer to be alone, and that's nothing against you.

It's terrible what's going on in Chicago.

In solitude the passions feed upon the heart.

Blessed be the slot players for theirs is the hope of a better day dawning.

The Sun and the science are the same; when they set down, the darkness comes!

Everybody writes a book too many.

Whether I'm involved in creating something or not, it's a personal issue of do I respect it. But you can only know that five or ten years later.

I sketch the faces upside down because it's like drawing from the left side of the brain or the right side of the brain. I never took an art lesson in my life.