XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

She had been forced into prudence in her youth, she learned romance as she grew older: the natural sequel of an unnatural beginning.

For every drop of water you waste, you must know that somewhere on earth someone is desperately looking for a drop of water!

I trust in God, and His ways are not our ways. So we have to go with that, and there's nothing I can do about that.

We are most deeply asleep at the switch when we fancy we control any switches at all.

By the time I was ten or eleven, I had a song-book and I was writing everything down. It used to just be my hobby but now it's like my diary, it's where I can go in my own little bubble.

Through the practice of meditation and the auric empowerments and guidance of an enlightened master, you can totally change your karmic destiny.

The way to deal with worldly people is to frighten them by repeating their scandalous whisperings aloud.

To have a purpose that is worthwhile, and that is steadily being accomplished, that is one of the secrets of life that is worth living.

The relative majesty of buildings depends more on the weight and vigour of their masses than any other tribute of their design.

There is no universal template that can be applied to everybody. So everyone kind of enter the process in their own way, on their own time.