Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles

Cronkite is not a genius at anything except being straight, honest, and normal.

We cannot choose our circumstances, but we can choose how we handle them.

Your tills are talking to me and want me to take them home. Does this often happen?

I would keep her, and raise her, and love her, even if she had to teach me how to do it.

Dear future generations: Please accept our apologies. We were rolling drunk on petroleum.

Poetry is that which is lost in translation.

The honor to me has less to do with the award. To me that translates in the relationship that I have with the audience, and if my music is helpful to them, that's the award.

If I simply live the principles that appear to be truth for me, I will touch the lives of those I am destined to touch.

It may be that you will be happiest in the rat race; perhaps, like me, you are basically a rat.