Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

That was your delusion, not my reality.

I don't know whether war is an interlude during peace, or peace an interlude during war.

What distinguishes the majority of men from the few is their inability to act according to their beliefs.

If you are happy, you are a geezer.

Even in front of nature one must compose.

I have these accidents, these mistakes, these self-inflicted wounds, and then I tear my head to shreds about it for days.

When you feel good is when you're not afraid to feel the worst.

When I speak it is in order to be heard.

Call not that man wretched, who whatever else he suffers as to pain inflicted, or pleasure denied, has a child for whom he hopes and on whom he doats.

You learn a whole lot more about a person if they have bad breaks and all those kind of things.