Years have passed since I have set foot in a comedy club. If the comic is doing badly it's painful, and if the comic is doing brilliantly, it's extremely painful.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

I don't see the future as bright, language-wise. I see it as a glass half empty - and evaporating quickly.

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.

I don't feel old. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him.

Obviously those who burn to be professional jesters mean that they want to be successful comedians. And those are always an elite, microscopic portion of the population. But oh, how they try.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

I notice perfume smells on his shirts and even later hours. I suspect he's having an affair but really don't care.

I saw my friends in medical school seeming to be more engaged with the real world. That provoked a sort of jealousy, and I decided to go to medical school after all.

I'm a multi-tasker. I was down with that stuff before they invented the term.

Party domination and State leadership are concepts incompatible with one another.

I think I may have been the only person to be rewarded charitably and get a tax deduction for swearing on film!

The republican party is my vehicle, not my master.

Everything has to come through the senses, as though the soul is speaking out through the senses.

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

There's not one food that causes diabetes.What causes Type II diabetes is being overweight... I've just come to grips, over the past four or five months, with my diabetes.

If you are worried about what others might think and about how your position in the group might be jeopardized, then you will never really create anything.