Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Cuando vayamos al maryo te diré mi secreto:Me envuelve, pero no es ola...Me amarga..., pero no es sal...

I hadn't even solved the mystery of my own body.

The fact that people die because of an AK-47 is not because of the designer, but because of politics.

I'm a big believer of "when there is a will there is a way" but from the studio's perspective I think it just seems like a bigger leap than you can get a sort of bureaucratic move to make.

Every truth we see is one to give to the world, not to keep to ourselves alone.

Everything in Rome has its price.

Principles are like prayers; noble, of course, but awkward at a party.

You can live constrained within the confines of a solely material perspective, or choose instead the infinite field of quantum possibility.

A Government protected by foreigners will never be accepted by a free people.

The fun is created only through innocence and innocence is the only way you can really emit also the fun. Imagine this world without any fun, what would happen?