Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey.

Writing is 90% procrastination. It is a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the point where you have to write.

Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials.

I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks.

There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy.

I love [my parents], but what if I could really talk to them? I mean, what if they had some answers? Or would that just be too weird?

I never got that show - Les Miz. It's about the French guy, right, who steals a loaf of bread, and then he suffers for the rest of his life. For Toast. Get over it!

If God didn't want you to have it, He would never have let you see it.

My compulsive thoughts aren't even thoughts, they're absolute certainties and obeying them isn't a choice.

Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate's feet. "I love you..., " she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper. "I have to show you... my butt.

It’s hard to care for a person when you know that one more step forward will make you fall in love and one step back ruins your friendship.

Never break another man's rice bowl.

You have a place in my heart no one else ever could have.

I'm ginger, so it's hard to rate me

gun registration is no more complex than the Income Tax system.

A lie told once remains a lie but a lie told a thousand times becomes the truth

If you're dressed for my funeral, it's too casual. If it's just street clothes, then you must be scaring the tourists.

There's a layer of satisfaction that I get from cooking that is more than the work itself. I think when you're too competitive sometimes you can lose the joy of what you do.

I don't like to go to premieres or openings. I don't like to have to put on makeup.