Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

On your quest to spirituality it is often required to suspend your rationality but true spirituality asks that you enhance your rationality.

I fake fake to have a fake life. Does that make me a real horse? Buy now for $777, wooden saddle sold separately. Real horseshoes not included. Imaginary ones – neither.

What is the worth of anything But for the happiness 'twill bring?

Thank goodness we don't have only serious problems, but ridiculous ones as well.

I sing a lot, even with my voice.

I don't call myself a political figure but I'm taken to be.

We are here not only to transform the world but also to be transformed.

the kind of kiss that said, I want to consume every inch of you and hear you scream my name.

Faith in God is the instrument which enables men and women to remove the hills of difficulty which block their path.

for my grief's so great That no supporter but the huge firm earth Can hold it up: here I and sorrows sit; Here is my throne, bid kings come bow to it. (Constance, from King John, Act III, scene 1)