Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

The bond of love must be kept strong.

During a trip to Iraq last fall, I visited our theater hospital at Balad Air Force Base and witnessed these skilled medical professionals in action and met the brave soldiers whose lives they saved.

Thou shalt make castels thanne in Spayne And dreme of joye, all but in vayne.

I am dreading the publication, for it will be impossible not to mind what is said. I have exposed my heart to be shot at.

Shut up body and do what I tell you

I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck

Attitude produces character, and character produces hope.

There was something about Marilyn. She couldn't act her way out of a bag, but she became an icon because something happened between her and the lens, and no one knows what it is.

And a government that accepts that it will be judged more by its deeds than by its mere words.

Mirth cannot move a soul in agony.