Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

In algorithms, as in life, persistence usually pays off.

Nature reacts not only to physical disease but also to moral weakness when the danger increases she gives us greater courage.

I probably never would have been hired on Broadway had I not moved out to L.A. and pursued acting and film, which is sad, really.

The will to truth is merely the longing for a stable world.

Climate change disasters will displace more and more. Those who are most exposed are the poorest.

[On acupuncture:] The needles are small and won't hurt at all. In fact, they'll feel good. Ha, ha! Just kidding. They feel like needles. Because they are.

I can still tend the rabbits, George? I didn't mean no harm, George.

You Look so much better When You Smile - so smile.

If a person's religious ideas correspond not with your own, love him nevertheless

I never wanted to be a professional artist; I think that's limiting.