Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

No matter what, I want to continue living with the awareness that I will die. Without that, I am not alive.

Everything changed...even the things we didn't want to.

The entire Universe will conspire to satiate our desire of what we put out there... as long as that desire was created in the womb of compassion

Change is not always easy, but with patience and perseverance, we can find the good in change.

Contrary to general belief, an artist is never ahead of his time but most people are far behind theirs.

There might never be that moment when everyone says, "Oh my God, big data is awful."

Children are the ones that know exactly what's going on in the world, you know. They 'see' more than adults, 'believe' in more, are honest, and will always, 'always' let you know where you stand.

But I believe there is a decay that is eroding America, and as a result, God begins to disappear from our society.

95% on content and the computer language remains the same.

I believe in one God, and no more; and I hope for happiness beyond this life.