Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

It's easier for me to forget you than for me to try and love you again

Sin lies at the heart of chaotic world conditions as we now know them and as they have existed through the centuries.

we are not born to be PERFECT!but to be TRUE !

Not being treated as equal IS oppression

If your way of life is writing, then everything that happens becomes a sentence.

The shallow end of hope is usually the deep end of grace.

Go into something because you really like it, and then do it with a drive and enthusiasm so that it isn't work.

Part of what makes me love acting so much is, I love the mystery of the universe and the human experience, and storytelling is a great way to perform that, and that is always inspiring to me.

No one is too bad for Jesus. A lot of people think they are too good for Jesus.

If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way.