Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The God I believe in believes in me and won’t silence my heart or others based on a paycheck at the end of the day.

Believe that fate is smiling to you and everything you touch will turn into gold

So your High Priest and Sacerdote propose to kill Death.” Edroc

Can I brush your hair?” she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t eat ’em for lunch.

Only someone who is sincere recognizes what showing off is.

We are all carousers and loose women here; How unhappy we are together!

My greatest ambition is to have a career without becoming a career woman.

You put yourself out there in the truest way you can and hope others do the same. You'll connect or you won't, but you did what you could.

Ah! American cigarettes are like the American soul - sweet and light.

You don't build it for yourself. You know what the people want and you build it for them.