Yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life . . . and you messed it up again.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Any political party that includes the word 'democratic' in its name, isn't.

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.

The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk.

Repent or be damned! If you have already repented, please disregard this notice.

Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.

Baseball is a game where a curve is an optical illusion, a screwball can be a pitch or a person, stealing is legal and you can spit anywhere you like except in the umpire's eye or on the ball.

People strive hardest to save face, when the beauty they value is solely extrinsic.

Enemy from within is always worst than outside devils.

Gravity Falls has transformed the children of America into an army of Dippers. I couldn't be more proud!

True beauty is in the mind; and the expression of the features depends more upon the moral nature than most persons are accustomed to think.

I've found that my first drafts are not so special. But the more I work on them, the better they get. They are more unique and defensible.

Prayer is the key ingredient of the church. The enemy hates it when we pray.

Get back to where you once belonged.

Come, butterfly It's late- We've miles to go together.

Faith is loyalty to some inspired teacher, some spiritual hero.

I'm a Scorpio, and Scorpios eat themselves out and burn themselves up like me.