You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Your heart is full of fertile seeds, waiting to sprout.

Don't get ahead of yourself. Companies need time to figure out what they want to be.

The quality of democracy and the quality of journalism are deeply entwined.

If you dress a new something in old habits, it’s easier for the public to accept it.

What helps you as an actor when it comes to roles is that deeper understanding of so many different fractions of humanity. Because oftentimes, even in comedy, there is conflict.

I'm always trying to bring unusual content to a different audience - a non-art-world audience.

The artist should not be satisfied to only play the part of a mirror.

The way of surviving is to find meaning in suffering.

Jason scratched his head. "You named him Festus? You know that in Latin, ‘festus’ means ‘happy’? You want us to ride off to save the world on Happy the Dragon?

Take a human body, a male and a female, it is obvious that certain parts are meant together. There is a purpose and a design for it and there is a result of that.