You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Frailty thy name is woman!

It takes wisdom and discernment to minister to people in need. We must look beyond the apparent and seek to meet the needs of the whole person.

The sky is that beautiful old parchment in which the sun and the moon keep their diary.

The loss was not bad luck. It was bad analysis.

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

Baseball isn't statistics, it's Joe DiMaggio rounding second base.

If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses.

We don't have to fight all the time. It can be done, and we will be great when we join together.

You’re not dead, but you’re not alive, either. You’re a wintergirl.

Plus, 40% of our debt is owned by foreign interest. I can't support a plan that passes along cost burden to our children and makes us more reliant on foreign dollars.