You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Writer does nothing, But think deeply.

I don't have the best dating track record.

God never got around to creating a substitute for experience.

Alltami (n.) The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.

No man is so insignificant as to be sure his example can do no hurt.

In order to be a great writer a person must have a built-in, shockproof crap detector.

Nonsense is so good only because common sense is so limited.

To live in a city is to be forever flinching.

If you know both yourself and your enemy, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.

It depends upon what the meaning of the word 'is' is.