You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Society has pretty much taught us that it's inside the lines, or outside. But there's so much more in between.

Technology enables us to work every minute of every day from any place on the planet.

Often, in the midst of great problems, we stop short of the real blessing God has for us, which is a fresh vision of who He is.

I grew up in a home environment where I wasn't getting esteem for anything I did.

Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!

I don't have any well-developed philosophy about journalism. Ultimately it is important in a society like this, so people can know about everything that goes wrong.

If you feel that the Chief of the General Staff talks only rubbish, my place is not here. Better to give me a command at the front where I can be of better use!

I've been writing poems and stories since I was about 13.

A lot of actors aren't particularly good directors. And they're not particularly good with other actors. That's kind of a fallacy.

Step aside, boys. I have the evil powers for this.” – Abigail “My lady got mad skills.” – Sundown