You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

The word of a cat is not to be relied upon.

I don't want to be interesting. I want to be good.

Charisma is a sign of the calling. Saints and pilgrims are defiantly moved by it.

What is Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton done to this country? That the most basic responsibility of an administration is to protect the safety and security of the American people.

Trees have roots, Jews have legs.

I love inventing names, but I also collect unusual names, so that I can look through my notebook and choose one that suits a new character.

I seriously needed an extra-strength magic pillow, because my ba refused to stay put. [And no, Sadie, I don't think wrapping my head in duct tape would've worked either.]

My parents were extremely reluctant. When my father was clearly dying, my mother refused to acknowledge it.