You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Sometimes I live so much in my mind that I forget what is right before my eyes.

The seminaries must be like the churches' poor relations, prolonging their existence with austerity.

Who should play the lead role in a film about me? Dunno. Danny De Vito? Jeff Goldblum? Meryl Streep? Someone of that kind.

All things must pass.

I have an advanced degree in procrastination and another one in paranoia.

To consider mankind other than brethren...plainly supposes a darkness of understanding.

Iraqis don't trust one another, parties and ministries are run by sects and not by functionaries.

Waking up each morning to a hysterical alarm clock on the bedside table.

Christians ought to have a reputation for being the most dependable people at work. They are always aware of who their true boss is.

I've always had my ear pierced with a diamond stud. I did it myself when I was 16.