You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Forgiveness is brave, sets us free from darkness, and allows light to shine the sweet fragrance of life into our souls

One usually dislikes a play while writing it, but afterward it grows on one. Let others judge and make decisions.

The jester is brother to the sage.

I'll never fall in love again... it's like having two souls at the same time.

Acting has been very useful to me.

Riches cannot rescue from the grave, which claims alike the monarch and the slave.

The beginning of knowledge is to know thyself a sinner.

Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.

It's good to touch the green, green grass of home