You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

When you accept a leadership role, you take on extra responsibility for your actions toward others.

A voice cannot carry the tongue and the lips that gave it wings. Alone must it seek the ether. And alone and without his nest shall the eagle fly across the sun.

Love not only transform your mental and emotional character/attitude, it also shifts your physical being, which goes thru subtle changes also. Love is POWERFUL! God is love.

We're unique in ways that can't be imagined, but you'll never know until you rid yourself of comparison.

Poor habits can invalidate your credibility and undermine your success in all areas.

We may think God wants actions of a certain kind, but God wants people of a certain kind.

At the present time there exist problems beyond our ability to solve, not because of theoretical difficulties, but because of insufficient means of mechanical computation.

Put one foot in front of the other, focus on the little goal right in front of you, and almost anything is possible.

Larger than life itself, and I can’t even believe this striking creature was once a little bit mine.

If you come into my house, I'm going to fight much more viciously to get you out than if we were on a neutral piece of land.