You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

What happens when you pray for an angel and get a vampire instead? R E Mullins

Until you learn to think global, your fort shall remain your local domain.

It's strange how in childhood it feels like tomorrow won't come until the end of forever, but in adulthood it feels like the end of forever could come tomorrow.

People who are indifferent about the happenings around them are human biomasses.

He is not to be trusted as a friend who illtreats his own family.

Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.

The chief thing is to love others like yourself, that's the chief thing, and that's everything; nothing else is wanted - you will find out at once how to arrange it all.

A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his own size, take my word, is a dwarf in more articles than one.

The chance of winning a Super Bowl in a city like New York, there's nothing like it. Once you win one, you get that bug to win another one, that edge.

You peasant swain! You whoreson malt-horse drudge!