You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

How do I relax? This might sound slightly ridiculous but I play the ukulele for at least an hour a day and I find something really blissful about it.

We're always hearing about risk-takers whose risks paid off, but they are no braver than those whose risks end in ridicule.

Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

Don't, Sir, accustom yourself to use big words for little matters.

I can't explain it. It's what turns you to powder, being ground between what you can't do and what you must do. You just turn to dust.

The future infrared space telescope will cover that area in a much more efficient manner.

Abortion is an issue of conscience for the Labour party.

Indolent people, whatever taste they may have for society, seek eagerly for pleasure, and find nothing. They have an empty head and seared hearts.

There will always be good and bad in every community.

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.

Don't look for God where He is needed most; if you didn't bring Him there, He isn't there.

The trick is, as I know it, is to care like hell and not give a damn at the same time.

For some reason focusing on destruction and mortality is more poetically exciting to me than hope and love.