You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

How can anyone underestimate the ballistic quality of words? Invisible things happen in intangible moments. What should keep us writing is precisely that possibility of explosions

He rested his head on top of mine and whispered, "I'm warning you now. I'm a horrible patient." I smiled in spite of myself and pulled back. "Of course you are. That's why you're a doctor.

One can’t prescribe books, even the best books, to people unless one knows a good deal about each individual person.

View your burden as a gift. It's the theme that has been given you to work with. Accept that and lean into it.

I think that we put too much weight on who the president is.

What is the single most important quality in a tennis champion? I would have to say desire, staying in there and winning matches when you are not playing that well.

Though the meek shall inherit the earth, but don't forget: The poor are the ones who inherit the debt.

All art is infested by other art.

Don't throw out buzz words without really knowing what is going on behind it.

Danger is a very rare commodity in these times, monopolized by intelligence agencies and stuntmen.