You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Dance is medicine. Movement is potent. Empower yourself with it today.

How grand, to be a Doctor of whatever and to weigh up and decide people's future.

Everybody should live quietly whether his experiences are happy or sad, whether they are successes or failures. That is contentment.

Arithmetic has began to totter.

Women are far and away the bigger consumers of fiction than men, but men are still far and away the more reviewed, the more critically esteemed, the more respected. That can get frustrating.

People say it takes a village to raise a child. People ask me how my daughter is doing. She’s only doing good if your daughter’s doing good. We’re all one family.

Every moment of living has its own logic, its own meaning.

A lot of people believe that you don't need to know the history and that creates newness. I disagree: we should always be informed and then destroy it.

A lot of news is just entertainment masquerading as news.

In many ways, that affection is the real reward for 56 years in the business. Although the money ain't exactly bad either.