You can't get any braver than going on national television to be weighed.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Don't compare yourself with someone else's version of happy or thin. Accepting yourself burns the most calories.

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.

I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.

I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.

I always feel slightly sorry to be the voice of whatever I'm experiencing.

I'd like a pop-up magazine with 45 articles on Russell Crowe. I'm like a teenager. I'd have 'Teen Beat' if I could, for grown-ups.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

I grew up thinking that if I wanted to go be prime minister, I could.

I always like to think I'm having a dinner party, and I'm the host, and the audience are my guests.

Anything under God's control is never out of control.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Since when has bringing stolen money to churches for Pastor’s blessings become a Nigerian norm?

Science fiction is no more written for scientists that ghost stories are written for ghosts.

I had my boy in Boston on Easter Sunday. That kills me, from a sports perspective. He's a Boston baby and I'm a New York guy.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there, or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It's a split that tears you apart inside.

Creativity doesn't follow titles. It just comes from where it comes from.

I fight myself. I don't fight to break Ali's record or Sugar Ray Robinson's record. I fight to please myself. I know in my heart where I'm rated. I didn't fight in Ali's era. This is my era.

Some forms of reality are so horrible we refuse to face them, unless we are trapped into it by comedy. To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.