You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious.

I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have.

When I was little, there were three channels.

If I do the same act that I did in 1995, in essence you're saying (in a robotic voice), 'My mind has never changed'

Kids today know way more than you think they do, with the Internet and 500 TV channels.

. . . I lay on the bed and lost myself in the stories. I liked that. Books were safer than other people anyway.

Alcohol was for people who basically wished to be dead but lacked the courage to kill themselves.

The vanity of human life is like a river, constantly passing away, and yet constantly coming on.

One of the biggest mistakes women make in business is that they aren't friendly enough.

I love it when the coffee's done!

When you prostitute yourself, you have to get paid for it.

Everything, even the most ordinary daily affair, is enriched by the lessons that can be gleaned from art.

There should be asylums for habitual teetotalers, but they would probably relapse into teetotalism as soon as they got out.

Within my body are all the sacred places of the world, and the most profound pilgrimage I can ever make is within my own body.

There's no use running if you're on the wrong road.