You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Fear can make you do more wrong than hate or jealousy... fear makes you always, always hold something back.

All people must pray for peace.

Nothing is more appealing than a handsome man who is also uncertain of himself.

My memories always clutch my brain to understand the past

If you battle L, you picked the wrong head I smash mics like cornbread You can't kill me, I was born dead

Chess is infinite, and one has to make only one ill-considered move, and one's opponent's wildest dreams will become reality.

Rail is such an undignified way to travel. All that rapid racing about. Floating has so much more gravitas.

Some people's brilliance is in their head. A surgeon's brilliance is in her hands. But there are people who have brilliant hearts. They shine right through them.

A charmed life old goodness hath; the tares may perish, but the grain is not for death.

It's easier and more cost effective to maintain good health, than to regain it once it's lost.