You cannot be this successful without having God on your side.

The Internet is a great place to find unconventional comedy that you can't find anywhere else.

I have a spiritual advisor I call up, when I just feel lost. Lately, I've been talking to God. I developed this dialogue in rehab, this dialogue with God, and every day I talk to God.

I know what you wanted to say, Do you think that electrocution rewired your brain to make you the retard that you are? You can say it, lady.

I had no blood relatives till I made some.

My parents just neglected me, I wasn't abused or anything.

People love to hate. I have a love-hate relationship with the world. The world loves to hate me.

There are atheists and Christians, and there are people in both groups who are a little too heavy-handed.

I guess I'm odd-looking. I'm skinny. But I'm not only skinny - I'm oddly shaped.

I'm really ultra-affected by things, I feel things deeper, and I cry at the drop of a hat, and offended and sensitive and I'm almost paranoid very easily, and that's who I am.

I laugh when I see people in pain. Sometimes I think it is a defense mechanism from childhood, where you're in so much pain you have to laugh. It is a survival mechanism.

People that love quotes are those short on time, but long on big ideas.

The verse is supposed to get you hard so the chorus can suck you off.

I think this power of living in our children is one of the sweetest things in the world…

Country music especially can get very formulaic - you know, you have to have your verses and a bridge and a chorus, and a lot of the songs are written as just plain and simple poetry on the road.

A Hoyo de Monterrey double corona is my favourite Cuban since Desi Arnaz.

Peace has never come from dropping bombs. Real peace comes from enlightenment and educating people to behave more in a divine manner.

The essence of compassion is a desire to alleviate the suffering of others and to promote their well-being

Telling Phil Hellmuth a bad beat story, is like telling Joan Rivers a Botox Story

There's hidden sweetness in the stomach's emptiness.

I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank!