‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Men were stupid to forget what good sleuths women could be.

Coincidences happen, but only once

We walk by faith not by sight.

What worries me is that now, communication is virtual.

I think it takes a long time, as you get older, to realize just how crazy the world is, just how ridiculous it all is.

Freedom, my friend, can only be found in His grace.

The worlds smallest package is a person wrapped up in themselves.

The way of the warrior is based on humanity, love and sincerity

I've managed stations.

Blaming is a way to protect your heart, trying to protect what is soft and open and tender in yourself.