You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.

Culture is more often a source of conflict than of synergy. Cultural differences are a nuisance at best and often a disaster.

Even logic and conversation are really just forms of trading, and as in all things, humans will always try to seek their own best advantage, to seek the greatest profit they can from the exchange.

Polish those gems within brightly, so you may shine...

At the age of 12, my parents gave me a chemistry set for Christmas, and experimentation soon became a consuming passion in my life.

Our God has boundless resources. The only limit is in us. Our asking, our thinking, our praying are too small. Our expectations are too limited.

The future you shall know when it has come; before then, forget it.

When Cristiano Ronaldo gets the ball, you can just leave him to it while he beats player after player.

When you have two alternatives, the first thing you have to do is to look for the third that you didn't think about, that doesn't exist.

It’s the most maddening, beautiful, magical, horrible, painful, wonderful joyous thing in the world, love

Priests were metal-reinforced overshoes. They saved your soles. This is an Assassin joke.