You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Transform from being a fault-finder and blamer to a happiness-finder and appreciator.

Youth and age touch only the surface of our lives.

Better not be at all than not be noble.

Working with others makes us much more than we could ever become alone

I don't believe that efforts to prohibit only so-called reproductive cloning can be successful.

Perhaps if one really knew when one was happy one would know the things that were necessary in one's life.

Historically, black music has influenced other cultures and other genres and created other genres.

Believe me, the intellectual revolution is going on, and that has to come first before you see the political changes. That's where I'm very optimistic.

None but himself can be his parallel.

Real optimism sees the negatives but accentuates the positive.