You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are timed perfectly.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

Colour me with you're intentions.

Psalm 37:44 Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

I do not want to be like a small animal bitten by a snake, going stiff with that poison. I want to bite back.

I'm the kind of person who becomes silent when I get scared, because I hope Death will not notice me if I am very still and very quiet. It has worked well so far.

If you haven't been happy very young you can still be happy later on but it's much harder. You need more luck.

Wins are the most important measure for goalies, I think. Certainly it's a great accomplishment.

Teach us to pray often, that we may pray oftener.

If you make something your life's work, make sure it's something you can feel proud of when you're an old relic like me.

He who is not a good servant will not be a good master.

I'm a big advocate of drones.