You did it! Congratulations! World's best cup of coffee! Great job, everybody! It's great to be here.

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

It's a sad day for American Capitalism when a man can't fly a midget on a kite over central park.

The most important key to attaining any prize, is to never take your mental eye off from it.

I had piano lessons when I was younger, but I quit because I didn't want to sit and learn the scales.

No woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.

I approach the singing kind of like with dialect thoughts in my mind. I have to sound like this on certain things to give that Frankie Valli flavor.

If there are no other wonderful roles that come my way, I have a quite an interesting, dynamic life.

A man looketh on his little one as a being of better hope; in himself ambition is dead, but it bath a resurrection in his son.

Every individual decision is nothing but coincidence, every artistic decision is coincidence.

I enjoy being at a meeting that doesn't start with an invocation!

You either create something and you keep it a secret and you die with it, or you can benefit the craft.