You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

We not only need to have a deep respect for children

It is our alarming misfortune that so primitive a science has armed itself with the most modern and terrible weapons

I worked every day - Christmas Eve, birthdays - trying to become a great basketball player. Everywhere I went, I had a basketball.

When we think of digitally disconnecting and inviting presence into our lives, we are creating the conditions of integration within and between.

It's lonely and cold on the top... lonely and cold.

Even at my age, I'm trying to improve. Never give up, no matter what. Even if you get last place - finish.

Any director will tell you, no matter how big his budget, that it's always the budget and the day count.

It has been well observed that few are better qualified to give others advice than those who have taken the least of it themselves.

I think that people who have Vegas throat are people who sing from their throats only.

Once shame touches your being at any point, even the most distant nerve is implicated, whether you know it or not; any fleeting encounter or random thought will rake up the anguish and add to it.