You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

You cannot save people from themselves. All you can do is stand firmly in your hopes for them, with compassion.

Gadzooks you plagiaries of truth, for twas foreseen by mine own eyes that this world is flat and straddled by two platypus's being ridden by a sea horse........

If we could stop wasting food, imagine how many more people we could feed!

Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

If I'm drinking I can either be the nicest guy ever or I'm the guy you should leave alone.

Most of the women that I like have a haunted quality - they're sort of like women who live in a haunted house by themselves.

When the sun is setting, leave whatever you are doing and watch it.

Every great movement in the world starts with a tiny group of people who simply refuse to accept a situation.

There’s no right way to tell all stories, only the right way to tell a particular story.