You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

In the name of Bacon will you chicken me up that egg.Shall I swallow cave-phantoms?

Head knowledge without heart knowledge is worse than useless; but when head and heart join forces, it changes our lives forever.

As for being on Twitter, I enjoy it tremendously, and it is wonderfully overwhelming to see people not just digging it and liking it.

I think [Vladimir] Putin probably assumes he can't make a deal with me anymore because politically it would be unpopular for a politician to be making a deal.

Were a language ever completely "grammatical" it would be a perfect engine of conceptual expression. Unfortunately, or luckily, no language is tyrannically consistent. All grammars leak.

I love little children too but I don't cut off their heads and stick them in vases.

I was discharged from the army for idiocy and officially certified by a special commission as an idiot. I'm an official idiot.

To drink is to warm the heart; without dispelling reason, it gives reason to life.

Sometimes love worked out, but more often it failed

When I've finished one project, I start thinking about the next.