You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

And my worst pains are words I cannot say

Self-reflection is a kind of self-judgment. The difference is just this – the former is positive and the latter is negative.

The thing about having a baby is that thereafter you have it.

You go up for hundreds, thousands of roles, and you get told no, no, no, so many times.

Graphic design is the spit and polish but not the shoe.

Government cripples you, then hands you a crutch and says, 'See, if it wasn't for us, you couldn't walk.'

Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.

You can crush the flowers, but you can't stop the spring.

The trouble with addiction is that you can park the car but you can never switch off the engine or stop yourself from hearing the revs.

Authors by the hundreds can tell you stories by the thousands of those rejection slips before they found a publisher who was willing to 'gamble' on an unknown.