You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

Before you ask God for more blessings, try to first thank Him for all your past and present blessings in your life.

As I would not be a slave so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.

I think every young girl at some point in her early life wonders what it's like to be a princess. They like the idea of dressing up and the fun of it.

An archetypal content expresses itself, first and foremost, in metaphors.

I absolutely refuse to reveal my age. What am I - a car?

Despite all philosophical differences, all major world religions have the same potential to create good human beings.

There's a coffin in the back of the church as the wedding is going on ... Look, I'm a romantic. I like marriage...In the movies.

She had put despair and fear aside, as if they were garments she did not choose to wear.

I think that concrete poetry seems to have, as far as I can see, come to a kind of a dead end. It doesn't seem to be going any further than it went in its high period of about five or six years ago.

You can't change anything by fighting or resisting it. You change something by making it obsolete through superior methods.