You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

I began as a weatherman and I learned very quickly I wasn't very good at it.

[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.

Canadians still spend so much time discussing what it means to be Canadian.

Some batters, and good ones too, scoff at the whole theory of place hitting, calling it a myth. They are wrong, however.

Yes, Jews - typically American Jews, typically vote democrat, I get that.

Duty is one and invariable; it requires no impossibilities, nor can it ever be disregarded with impunity.

There's a creativity, a power, an energy, an ability to do things unlike any other period in history. It's a little bit like sitting in the Renaissance, but multiplied a thousand-fold.

Out of my greatest dispair, was to come my greatest gift.

If you lose 50%, it takes 100% to get back to where you started-and that takes something you can never get back: time.