You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

Music is, I think, the best way to... not forget, but to just escape for a moment.

As selfishness and complaint pervert the mind, so love with its joy clears and sharpens the vision.

The comedy really comes from how badly you want these characters to succeed and with a comedy that's often hard.

It's a curious thing about our industry: not only do we not learn from our mistakes, we also don't learn from our successes.

While clearly an impregnable masterpiece, Don Quixote suffers from one fairly serious flaw--that of outright unreadability.

Tell me that not everything I wrote was bad.

Give a man a noble cause and he would fight to the death for what he believed in,but get the woman he loves to leave him and his once honourable principles would cease to be quite so important.

If you respect the audience enough, they can take onboard many things.

So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.

When you are tough on yourself, life is inevitably easy. When you are easy on yourself, life will be inevitably difficult.