You fake something until you're good at it.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

At this rate, I'm still going to be aspiring by the time I'm expiring.

I know but one freedom, and that is the freedom of the mind.

Richness is not in wealth or earning capability, but it is in your perception.

Go home now, ” says I. “Keep away from the saloons. Save your money. You are going to need it.”“What are we going to need it for?” asks a voice from the crowd.“For guns and ammunition, ” says I.

In a sadly pleasing strain, let the warbling lute complain.

There is not a man in power at our Bethlehem steel works today who did not begin at the bottom and work his way up.

I think I've ignored it so much so that when the paparazzi are following me I really don't see them. You don't see them anymore.

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

There's no such thing as work-life balance. There are work-life choices, and you make them, and they have consequences.

I have a wardrobe full of expensive clothes, but wear the same two T-shirts. I've never found a look.