You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

You need to silence the voices that say you cannot do what you set out to.

Nothing links man to man like the frequent passage from hand to hand of a good book.

Try to always stay focused on the objectives that are possible and the positive - and on having fun outside of the stuff that's going on in Washington.

I believe the home and marriage is the foundation of our society and must be protected.

Envy is a gun with a faulty breech-lock which flares back and burns the gunner.

It wasn't exactly that Lula was fat. It was more that she was too short for her weight." - Stephanie Plum

I think I’ve developed this pattern of running away when it comes time to fall in love and stay in a relationship.

Over a three year period, I gave away half of what I had. To be honest, my hands shook as I signed it away. I knew I was taking myself out of the race to be the richest man in the world.